Top 100 Short Jokes

Top 100 Short Jokes

Bringing together the world's top 100 most Hilarious Funny Short Jokes ever to obtain the ultimate sense-of-humour and to forcefully laugh you down. It helps every individual to step into the world of uncontrollable laughter and humour. Read more Why to Laugh?.
What Jokes are: They often searched millions times in a day but ever you thought that why people do so, what is the real meaning of a joke, why they are always in demand and what difference do they make in our lives.
Meaning: Any line, phrase, thought or circumstance/situation which contains humorous material and accelerate/awake our funny bones, resulting in immediate laughter, can be called a Joke. The contents may sound something silly, illogical or senseless but powerful enough to bring us into the mindset where we forget all tensions/pressures and laugh alot like a baby. Short Jokes Categories:
Daily New Jokes | Situational | 2018 Best | Newly Added | Info-Graphic | Very Small | Quick/Fast | On Wives | American | Kids | Most Popular | Boyfriend Girlfriend | Dwarf/Midget
top 100 short jokes for Laughter
short joke on Road Accidents while watching a beautiful girlquick joke on I was smoking and a beautiful woman asked: So you smoke? Me: Gosh, it’s a miracle. It was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!
small neighbor jokefunny joke on Alcohol is never the answer But it does make you forget the question

It is well said that the person who wants to drink, finds lots of excuse for doing it. So when someone asks them that it is not the right solution for the problem, he immediately replies that alcohol is too good in forgetting all tensions.
Why to Laugh?
'. So why not to use these cool pranks to giggle which improves your health. This stuff is absolutely available free and very easy to recall to be shared. Humour is really a good medium to remove boredom and to start a good conversation anywhere. There is a good story - Once a joker said a good joke and people laughed a lot, he again repeated the same joke then people could not enjoy that much and he again repeated it and no one laughed. Than he said when you cannot laugh again and again on same things why DO you be sad on same sorrow again and again? No one laughs without any reason so here we give you that reason, so don't skip this chance of having fun because it gonna give you lots of hidden benefits.'
Daily New Jokes

Added on 1st April 2018
 fast joke - Husband was staring at a sign board for long time. In sign board - there was a beautiful girl standing with mixer grinder. Wife noticed and shouted - Exchange offer is for mixer only - so Lets go to Home.. LOL

 on 25th Feb 2018:
Father in law: You are a good drinker, but you never told us?
Son in law: Your daughter is also a good blood drinker, did you inform me ever?:)))

on 04th Feb. 2018:
There are 4 kinds of people..
One are lazies,,
above them are frauds
Above then are mads and sick minded..
And then comes the number of my dear FRIENDS... LOL

on 21st January 2018:
The similarities between Wife & Helmet:
Both will save your life if you let them sit on your HEAD :))

on 11th Jan 2018: From the emotions of sad husbands...
We wish that for marriages - there would have been be a scheme of loan.. so that if we could not pay the installment, they could have taken our wives..:))((

I heard something dropped at my house around 3 am. I woke and the thief was searching money in to my lockers and other places. I excused hm and asked I will also search money with you.. (Haha it is very difficult)


It feels like you have got bitten by a snake when your father in law asks that our daughter is so innocent like a cow..:))((

Wife at vegetable market-
Should we buy 2 kgs of Pea?
Husband: Yes, why not..
Wife: I am not asking your advise, I am asking you because you will have to open them to get the pea? So should we buy 2 kgs or less? :)))))


Which are 3 letters can change a Girl into a Women:
Kid: hmmm, Well it is AGE..

Interview: Tell me one idea which will reduce train accident?
Man: Well.. we can make speed break on tracks.

Why on wedding ceremony boy sits on right side and girl on left side?
Wise Man: Because as per Profit & loss a/c rule, All incomes are on Right side and all expenses are on left side..hehehe


Men are most daring creature on the earth..
Him: Why?
Me: No matter how big letter you writing in the warning on Whisky or cigarette pack, they will buy the so boldly.. Cheers..


Priest to drunker: You will go in hell if you will not quit drinking.
Man: The person who sells the alcohol- Priest: yes, he will also go to hell.
Man: The person who sells food and snacks outside the shop? Priest: He will also go to hell.
Man: Ok, perfect - then hell is heaven.. :)) LOL


Miser- Please take some more peanut from me.
Friend: No, I am done, I already eaten 20 peanuts.
Miser: No, you have eaten 25 pieces, but don't worry - who is counting.. come on have more.. :)


Dr. Never sleep with tension. Patient: Then should I drop my wife to her mother's home?

Wife While analyzing, we feel that there should license to drive whatsapp, people are driving it like crazies..

Shopkeeper: What you need?
Husband: I need power to fight with my wife.
Shopkeeper: Ok, you should buy a quarter of whiskey, with some ice and peanuts!

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Do you know what makes a big difference?
In morning when it is 7:00 and 7:05!

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How many Pear you can eat when your stomach is empty.
Girl: 7 Pears.
No, you are wrong, you can eat only one.
Girl: How can you say that.
Because when you eat 2nd Pear, your stomach will not empty!

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Imagine the moment when you are flying in plane on very high altitude and from the window, you see a man flying with air bags with a board saying: I was your Pilot!

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On the wall there was a note - Dogs are peeing.
But a man still did it.
Another man asked: why you are doing so?
He replied: See I am doing and it goes to dog's credit.

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In marriage, daughter runs and goes back to her room..
Mother stops her on the way and says: please do not go back, just go with your hubby.
Daughter: Please leave me, I am just going back to take my phone charger, it is gonna die!

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Teacher: Name some countries?
Australian Kid: Australia..
Teacher: That is it?
Kid: Yes.
Teacher: Aren't Africa, UK, US, India, Singapore, Europe countries?
Kid: Nope, They are not country, they are Foreign countries..

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Through Apple - Vitamin
Through Vitamin - Power
Through Power - Work
Through work - Money
Through Money - Love
Through Love - Marriage
Through Marriage - Wife
Through Wife - Tension
Through Tension - Illness
Through Illness- APPLE

Whenever, there is fight with wife - Than it feels like I should suicide..
But.. I stop myself by thinking - There are very less tigers in the world..

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There is two kinds of suicide..
One is take a rope and hand on fa..Second have marriage and hand on whole life..

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When you do lot of sins and stock is full of sins....than...
than.. he gets married..)

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water laughter help

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Shelly: Why it is feel like husband and kite seems alike..
Aliza: Why?
Shelly: Because, both are kept loose, flies here and there!

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Tell us the name of the woman who 100% knows where her husband is?
.....thinking...
Ans is: A widow woman

Dr: Your one kidney has failed..
Man: First cried a lot than stopped and asked.... failed.....from how many numbers???

After exercise I always eat pizza, Just kidding.. I don't Exercise!!

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No matters, how good work, noble cause you do... people always remember those who dies after borrowing some dollars!!

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

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All men are brave,
Horrors movies don't scare them...
But.....
10 missed calls from wife-----surely does!

Those 8 seconds really become so longer when you wait for "Skip" option button on video sharing site!

What did the cockroach say to the man who wanted to squash it?
You are just jealous of me. The reason being - I make your spouse scream louder than you!

Man: Why are beating your son in law so badly?
He replies: I sent hi message that you have become father but he forwarded this message to his friends!

Boy messages text his Girl "Honey, I can't live without you! When you come to me?"Here is the KILLING Reply -"Who is dying! I lost my saved numbers, kindly tell me your name?"

I thing..Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers!

Photographer: My secret of success is? 'Think negative'!

Make no mistakes. The junior is your biggest prospect!

Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you...
Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!

I have already acted on your memo on saving power in my department by an immediate ban on employee empowerment!

customer: sorry but i asked cheese without holes
waiter: well then, eat the cheese and leave the holes
by- elshaday

My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. I got a detention after asking which end!

It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!

How Bedroom smells after marriages:

First 3 months - Perfumes and Flowers!

After 12 months - Baby Powder, Cream, diapers and Lotions!

After 7 Years - Balms, Move and pain killers..

Why do she make weird faces in pictures? Because it's better to look ugly on purpose.
Description: Here we poke fun at the people who pretend to be over-smart. Some people think that they are very genius that we can not smell what's happening in their mind. But they catch her. I know she is not beautiful so that is why she makes crazy faces in pictures. After reading 'ugly on purpose' statement, no-one can control their laughter.

When will Persian cats begin to join the armed forces?
When you cut their furlough.
submitted by Julia Gandrud

If Olive Oil is made from Olives and Vegetable oils from Vegetables, then what is Baby oil made from???
submitted by Naveen Khanna

Him: I kiss my Wife everyday before I leave for Office, what about you?
Me : Me too, after you leave!!

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.

The doctor comes out into the waiting room for the next patient. He's shocked to see a man sitting there with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor's cries, "Oh my god, how did that happen?"
The frog answered "I don't know; it began as a pimple on my but-t."

One day little sunny and his friend were playing by a stream. Sunny noticed a bush and went over to it. His friend couldn't figure out why sunny was at the bush for so long so he went over to the bush to have a look. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing without any clothes in the stream.
While playing, suddenly little sunny took off running. His friend couldn't understand why he had run away so he took off after him. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he had run away. Little Johnny said, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady
I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Dad: What time did you go to bed last night?
Me: Sorry but that information is confidential!
Point of laughing: This is very exhilarated joke. It portrays the conversation between parents and their teenagers. They are so fun and party loving that asking for what time they sleep really creates the situation to laugh on. It need not to be disclosed!

Warning: Touching wire can cause instant death.
250$ fine too!

I think...therefore, I'm.... single!

Boyfriend Girlfriend

Bf: Texts to his gf: Please return my photo as I got a new girlfriend.
GF: She sends almost 50 photos of different boys and replies - I don't recall your face, choose whichever is yours.

Info-Graphic

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said - I need your weight not your phone number. Description: Of-course she is so fatty and over-weighted that the scale got afraid of her weight and replied, I can not answer in 10 digits. A kind of satire as well as cool punch.

Life's too short not to take risks jokes Description: They say take risk to get success in life but our comedians say that the span of life is really very very short so why to put in danger by taking risks. Why not to live into our comfort-zones and enjoy watching others doing stupid things. The main motto is to have lots of fun while we are alive. What a cool statement!

There are four animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed! And of-course a donkey to pay her bills!Boy: Wanna hear a joke?
Girl: No thanks. I'm already looking at one.

Those awkward conversations with the hairdresser.
Description: Yeah, That awkward moments when you go to saloon, sit on his chair and have nothing to talk about but still try to utter something. Do you hear that voice of your brain - what the hell I am talking about.

World's shortest Joke ever is when Doctor asks: How's your headache?
Patient: She is fine!
Description: So if you are married you better understand this. She always go after you and can not see you happy at all. She keeps on the burden of expectation to husband and filled with endless complaints. So how is that!

Jokes on Dwarf/Midget

What did I tell the midget when she asked me to bang her?
I don't get down like that...

Those people are more poisonous than snake-- who are blessed with short height...:)))

My neighbor is so short, when he sneezes, he hits her head on the floor.
Description: The right joke when you want to make punch on those small height people. Their forehead touches the ground, LoL. Thank God they don't fall down and roll!

Never ask for the ‘High Five' from a short person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five'!

Yo mama so small she poses for trophies!

Are you able to see over the steering wheel.

The surprising thing you can hear from a midget is 'Your hair smells good'.

He asked me: How's the weather up there? and I replied: Its warm, how's it down there?

When capris reach to your ankles.

Girl goes on a party but on her way she hits a small car. the car stops and a dwarf comes out. He runs to the girl's cars and yells "I am not Happy!" so she replies: "Then which one are you?"

Once a midget gets on an elevator and somehow pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The short man stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen." The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-10, weigh 286 lbs., and I repair fax machine, I'm Turner Brown." He faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6-10, weigh 286 lbs., I repair fax machines, my name is Turner Brown." He looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said ‘I am a s ex machine, Turn Around'."

Girl having Lessor height goes to the doctors with a sore fanny, she says can you cure it doctor, he says yes, goes down below with a pair of scissors.
After he finished, she asks: Have you cured it.
Yes, doctor says
But how? Girl asks?
I just cut two inches off the top of your wellies!!

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Interpretation: Don't try above formula to impress your boos. Just kidding. But how smarty he uses the terms early and late just by replacing one with another.

I want you to continue sacking. I don't want people to believe that we've one soft.

For quick personal success, listen to my mantra: 'Please your boss'!
Interpretation: It is strange but true! As I am doing extremely well by doing so. Try your best to make your boss happy, laugh with him, say yes to his all wrong decisions and grow enough.

Mack: What sign were you born under?
Silky: No Parking!
Description: What a hilarious reply. Mack was just asking about her sun-sign but she made him fool by her witty answer. It also refers that she believes in breaking the rules even since from her birth!

Quick and Fast Jokes

husband in a book store" Do you have a book called, Husband the master of the house?
Sales girl: Sir, Comics are on the first floor..

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short joke of the day

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."
Explanation: Don't underestimate old people! They are much experienced in everything and their stamina rocks. That is why she surprised he grandson by her reply. Can you imagine? Really so brave but funny too!

Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage.
- Jim Kinloch

If we count sheep to fall asleep, what do they count?
A Shepherd

What makes marriage such a great institution? Who wants to live in an institution after all?

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed. - Jennifer Aniston

Everyone hates the sound of their own voice on video?

Fart

An old woman goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady comes back.
“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent…stink terribly.”
The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Very Small

You can always double your drive space.
How?
By deleting Windows!

But for gravity, I'd be a high-flyer.

Girl: Do you hate me?
Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

I wonder that cat's hair is lonely people glitter.

Once a small boy tries to press a doorbell on a house.
I lady noticed that. That boy is very small and the doorbell is too high. Lady thinks that she should help him. So she comes near to him, lifts him and boys rings that doorbell. She asks to that kid: Now what, sweet little man?"
Smart kid replied: Lets run!

I want you to look at me the same way I look at pizza!

Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Something you mount: "A mountain.."

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.

What's long, hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!

I love tiny, plastic realistic food magnets. I don't know why. They're hilarious.

Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot.

J C: I have an engineering degree what should i do with?
P K: Sell it at OLX. LoL.

Fastest mode of communication - Tell a girl a rumor and take promise to keep it as a secret.

I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.

My train of thought just ran off the track.

"My memory is really so bad" "How bad is it?" "How bad is what?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Rape is such a horrible word that I would replace it with snuggle!

Me: I want a hot and attractive body.
Me: Does/apply absolutely nothing to achieve this.

Only in math problems can you buy 50 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.

I love watching scary movies!" *10 minutes later* "Friend walk me to the bathroom.

The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget.

That neighbor knocked on my door at 1.15am this morning, can you believe that 1.15am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...

Are you from Toy Story? Because you just gave me a Woody

"The spider is more sacred of you than you're scared of it!" "Oh really, did it tell you that?!"!

Where are otters from?
Otter Space

'Are you athletic?' Yes, I surf the Web.

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?
Because all the fans have left.

I am forever alone.. Ops.. Correction, forever available.

So much to do, so little time.

It was love at first site - The love with Internet.

Smoking weed doesn't make me a bad person, just like going to church doesn't make you a good person.

There is always a negative person who demotivates your ideas by adding 'What if'.

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

"I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you were in my bathroom begging my sponge for the krabby patty formula."

Men are liars.
But we lie about lying if we have to.

Ask me if I'm Sky!
Are you a Sky?
No.!

A kiss can be 10 times more effective than morphine in reducing pain by triggering the body's natural painkillers.

How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

How do you know all men are idiots?
I married their king!

In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Yes, I do can take a joke. That just wasn't funny.

Mother-in-law is a woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

Brain damage is what we were after– chromosome damage was just gravy.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

What do you call two blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

My commitment is to truth, not consistency.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

My life is as good as a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.

I am sure that I am an awesome singer but when no one is listening.

I get irritation when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Her friend asked her how to spell pen is, and she told - you should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue.

You hate the moment when you wash your car and it rains later

Patrick: I'm mad. Spongebob: Why's that? Patrick: I can't see my forehead.

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP" *answers phone* "Hi Dad.."

It’s not who wins or loses, it’s who keeps score.

I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not looking for change.

I’m passing directly from barbarism to decadence..

Yeah officer, I saw the "speed limit" sign, I just didn't see you!

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Earth is full. Go home.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!

funniest jokes of all time

Miss (on call): You say Ronny has fever and can’t come to school today?
I am speaking to?
Reply: Well, This is my father.. Lol

It is so ridiculous when people say you've changed. It's like, yeah I also used to be a fetus, but now look at me.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand …

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Leave bad enough alone!

Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

Give him a penny for him thoughts, you’ll get change.

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

How did the woman feel after she got ran over? Tired!

I could say something brilliant at any moment!

What do you call a zipper on a banana?
A fruit fly.

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

I'm smiling. This should scare you.

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels!

How did the police scare the bugs away?
They called for the S.W.A.T. team.

Why do chicken coups have two doors? Cuz if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

Why don't elephants ride bikes? Because they don't have a thumb to ring the bell!

Females always try to impress males by wearing hot dresses. But we are Impressed Only when They remove them.

Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Because he's back in town and he wants your number.

I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!

I love mankind–It’s people I can’t stand.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

The universe is laughing behind your back.

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing a seat belt.

That awkward moment when you catch someone's eye exactly when they're picking their nose.

Girls eyebrows these days be looking like they got sponsored by sports Nike!

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

i do not understand why people take me so seriously i never even know what I am saying.

I Hate being fat but I love eating food.

Morning things --
Me: okay it's 7 am
Me: I should get up me: just five seconds
Me: 5 minutes
Me: 5 hours
Me: 5 days
Me: 5 years

When I am at t work and don’t know what to do, I just tend to walk fast and try to look worried.

I wonder If a bra is called an 'over the shoulder bolder holder', then what would you call men underwear?
It would be known as under the but nut hut?

Hey officer! There's a bomb in my gallery!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within 2 days, you can keep it.

Man goes to the vet about his dogs fleas. The vet: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' Man asks why. 'Because he's far too heavy.'

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

A guy on his 50th wedding anniversary: "Fifty years! It's like three minutes...under water.

It's funny when people are telling you a story and you're just thinking 'lie lie lie' but you go along with it anyway..

It's your money. You paid for it.

Man: There is a strawberry growing out of my head.
Dr: I'll give you some cream to put on it.

I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I HAD IT ALL - MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE." "WHAT HAPPENED?" asked his friend. He says "MY WIFE FOUND OUT."

What kind of shoes are made from bananas skins?
Slippers.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

What did the birdy say when it flew over wal-mart?
cheap cheap cheap!

most hilarious joke

Mark: What's 5Q plus 5Q?
Lucy: TenQ?
Mark: You're welcome!

You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified.

2017 Best Jokes:

When is the happiest time for married man;s life.
When he leaves his wife to her mom home and come back...
The free Bull..Lol

Man who was staying in Hotel with his wife, calls hotel manager:
My wife is very angry and she is saying that she will do suicide by jumping from hotel's window..
Manager: Sorry sir, we can't interrupt, this is your personal matter..
Man: No window is not getting opened, this is maintenance matter..please help.


As you grow up, you keep on getting RICH..
How? see..
Silver on Hair.. Gold in Teeth, Cataract in Eyes, Sugar in Blood and Stones in Kidney...LOL


Wife: Where are your going?
Husband: I going for suicide
Wife: Take one bag with you..in case i you change your mind, bring some onions, potato and vegetables please ..:)

Once a woman gets a sneeze so big that her trouser gets gets down.
She smiled and said: OMG, Today the person has crossed the height of remembering me..

Boy to girl: I heard that everybody dies on your killing smile.
If you don't mind, can you please spare some time to come to my home. I need to kill one mouse.

2 guys were talking in train:
first said: I am going to get married because I am fed up of outside food, cleaning hoke, washing clothes.
2nd man replied: For the same reasons, I am going to get divorced.

2 women were talking: today is my man's birthday, what gift should I give him?
Another said: Give her the gift of Divorce..

Newly Added:

Father was checking out son's jacket and found cigarette, girl's no etc and father shouted on son: When you started all this?
Son: Dad, it is your jacket. :))

In world, there are only 1% girls who participate in sports and play..
Rest?
Rest 99% do marriage and play with husband's life :)

Man: I am really so confused and tensed.
Friend: Why? what happened
Man: Dear, I can not bear the make up / beauty expenses of my wife and without that I can not bear her:))

Man to friend: Dear what should I do, every year, I become father of new child..
Friend: Use precautions..
Man: I do use..
Friend: Then distribute to the neighbors..

Wife: Did you read?
There is a news in paper, 30% of women take medicine for mind to work properly.
Husband: Oh, that means still 70% are working without medicine?

Somebody asked me what is LIFE?
Best answer: The time after office life...

Friend: I wish study would have been like LOVE, it happens itself.
Me: Oh no dear, I wish love would have been life study, parents push hard for it... Lol

True Story: One place in USA - A birth happen.
On birth - I was 15 Kg and after 10 minute - it stood!
After 3 days - it stared running!
After 25 days - its weight was 40 kgs..
Surprised? Haha - it was kid of Buffalo!

Once a man goes into the college to fill the form.
It took 7 days to fill the form.
Principal asked why did it took too long?
Man: Because I went to to Capital to fill it. (It was written to fill it in capital)

Teacher: Which come first - Moon or Sun?
Student: Moon.. I am sure!
Teacher: How can you be so sure?
Student: It is simple. First honeymoon comes and only after it Son comes! :))))

Wife: Where are you hubby?
Husband: Doing Motivate..
Wife: To whom you are motivating?
Husband: Duffer... Moti wait.. (Moti means fatty)

They say that we must keep our dreams alive.. so I always press snooze button and carry on!

Interviewer: Which city is most costly city in country?
Candidate: Electricity!

English man: Haha, we have been spoiling you mother land for 200 years
We: LOL we are spoiling your mother tongue regularly for more than 400 years!

Every husband has a wireless connection by default..
Guess how...
It is called - 'Wife Eye'

Wife: While staring the sky, asks her husband - What is that one thing which you can see daily but can not not break!
Husband replied with a smile: You face....

Boss and mother in law can never be changed and come on same category..
If you give them you kidney they will never be happy.
above, a very good comment on modern era of bosses as well as mother in laws..


Mom to kid: The one who follow my advice and do not argue with me - will win lot of gifts from me
Kid: This is not fair - All the gifts will be won by our dad only!!

Beggar at door shouts: I have no objection in eating breads, butter, rice, ice creams, fast foods..
The lady shouts from inside: Does this man eat slippers?
Beggar: No, hard stuff is not prohibited by doctor!!

What is checkmate?
You tell your wife I saw a lady, looked exactly life you..
Wife asks: Was she Hot?
Now you can't say 'No'
You can't say 'Yes'

Here's the Perfect scene of Good/Bad Luck at same time?
The clever wind blows a girl's skirt high (Good Luck)
But on that moment dust falls into the boy's eyes (Bad Luck)

Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they’re always being lied to about what 8 inches really is!

How do you turn a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel.

Me: It smells like updog.
Them: What's updog?
Me: Nothing much. What about you?
submitted by Danielle Waldrop

When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
How do you know you live in the real world?
You get evicted now and again!

Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.

What do you call a man who inherits a dairy?
Well.. A Dairy Heir!

When you seen someone in dirty clothes, old watch and sad face.. Don't mistaken him with Poor man.. He may be a married man!

When a nickname for a slim person: "Slimy.."
What would it be for a liquid: "Paint.."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

Interviewee: Tell me, why did you leave your previous job?"
Interviewer: The company relocated and they did not inform me where!

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".

Their honeymoon period is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.

A friend is like Asian paint...Changes your life!
A Girlfriend is like Everest spice.. which is best in taste!
But a wife is like Mosquito coil... which kills you from every corner!

What kind of fish has two knees?
A tunee fish.

What is the best way to beat a blonde?

Why beer is better than women - You can enjoy a beer all month long!

What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.

Just married couple after first night!
Husband: Let me be frank - It is not my first time.
Wife: Well. let me also clear that you still need to learn a lot.

I just lost the prize by 1 point. That last question was, "Where do females mostly have curly hair"?
I was confident that i was correct, but that mad computer replied "Africa".

Teacher: How old is your mother?
Kid: As old I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Kid: Because she become mother the day I took birth!!

A girl sees Aladdin's magic lamp and starts rubbing it than a Genie comes out:
The girl requests the Genie to grant her some wishes:

- He should sleep always by my side.
- When he gets up, I should be the first thing he grabs.
- He must take me everywhere he goes.
- My hubby should have eyes only for me.
- I should be only one in his life.

The Genie turned that GIRL into a Mobile!!!

You put a sneef sticker bottom of the pool and write sneef here..

On Wives

If you want happiness and silence in Home: Below is the rule:--

You look beautiful.
You do lot of work.
You look so slim.
You must be tired.
Please take care of yourself.
Your father/mother and brother, all are so nice people. Hahaha


Wife to priest husband: Good news, you are going to be a father.
Husband: After deep though - who did this secret donation..

Come on - Lets see the world through a wife's eyes!

World's most perfect Man - Her Father!
World's most beautiful woman - Her Mother!
World's most Intelligent female - She herself!
World's most sad husband - Her Brother!
World's most Handsome boy - Her Son!
World's most luckiest man - Her sister's husband!
World's most mad woman - Her Mother in Law!
World's most dumb, selfish, liar, miser and useless man - ........ Should we need to tell this??? :(

American

Once in USA, a new machine is made to catch the thieved..
Result...
In America - 1 day and catch 10 thieves..
In Korea - 1 Day and catch 15 thieves
In India - 1 day and Machine is being theft..

In marriage - A man kept on eating for long time..
Some one asked: Till when you continue eating..
Man: I myself very tensed - but in card , it is written that dinner 7 to 12..

Kids

One thief entered in a home, took everything and was about to leave than a kid (who a noticing all this) shouted, stop and steal my school bag as well otherwise I am gonna shout!

----

Why are you late in class?
Kid: Because of ,y parents fight.
Teacher: How their fight can make you late?
Kid: Because one shoe was with mom and other was with dad!

----

A teacher was telling his students how whales can be so big but with small throat and belly, so they cannot eat anything other than small fishes.
A 5-year old girl objected, "But in the Bible a whale ate Jonah."
Teacher: "No, that's not possible."
Girl: "Yes, it is. The whale swallowed Jonah and didn't even chew!"
Teacher: "I'm telling you, that is not possible!"
Girl: "Well, when I go to heaven, I'll ask Jonah about this."
Teacher: "What if Jonah went to hell?"
Girl: "Then YOU ask him."


Situational:

Guest: What you plant next?
Kid: Once you go, I will eat all the biscuits because other snacks you already finished?

I am not against girls driving
but...
Is this a justice to shout instead of using break when somebody comes front??

Friend is eating something very delicious.
Me: Please let me taste.
He gave one..
I said : Let me taste more..
He: Al other's taste s same.. :(((


Most Popular

Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP Station!

Did you hear about a man who swallowed a coin?
There is no change yet!

One of man in our village got award on his amazing farming work!
He was really outstanding in his field!

What is mary short for?
She has got no legs..


He has dream about a horse last night, turned out to be a nightmare!

what is black and white red red allover
A newspaper..

If you had a laugh then for sure, you will like enjoy our other Post of Funny Jokes here. :)